Show You Crazy
I got to have a solid day with my very best friend last weekend. It doesn’t matter how old you are, how married you are, how MOM you are, you just need that person to make you forget all the crap, laugh until your mascara has turned you into Ozzy Osborne, and convince you to rent a historical swimsuit at the hot springs.
There is absolutely nothing like laughing until you cry. Most especially if no one else in the world besides you and your best friend, understands how the situation is funny at all.
We (womankind) carry so much around with us everyday, that having a best friend outside of your everyday existence, is essential. Together we hash out the problems, solve them all, cry a bit, laugh a LOT, and promise each other that we are enough. That we are doing everything to be ENOUGH.
If you’ve read my blog, you know I have been very vocal about my anxiety in the past, and, well… always. Not that long ago a friend at work told me that it was very surprising to her that I struggled with the disease of the over-thinker. I seemed so confident and strong.
I looked at her like she was crazy because that’s approximately NEVER how I feel about myself. I definitely struggle with being confident.. I do try, especially for my daughter, but the anxiety part of me likes to replay awkward incidents over and over again, especially at 4 am, for my horrified viewing pleasure.
So maybe I SEEM confident, but just know I will be certain I pushed a joke or two too far after I leave any gathering. Especially if I had the ‘over-the-classy-amount’ of wine in my glass as I told said joke.
I also struggle seeing myself at strong. While I know I can be when it’s for my kids, a loved one or a friend in need, I find myself quite needy.
Like I NEED coffee. I NEED horses. I NEED Beyoncé. I NEED my husband to wake up out of his sleep to rub my back until I fall asleep. So, let’s not pretend that I am a always a self-sufficient human.
Anxiety is a real struggle for me on some days.. I haven’t ever been able to pinpoint why, it just is. It’s hidden to the world, it affects no one but me. But just because it doesn’t adversely affect my life doesn’t mean I haven’t spent many hours and nights wishing it away. I’ve tried medication, yoga, meditating (I tend to fall asleep…) eating completely clean and no coffee. I’ve come to realize it’s just a piece of me that’s not going anywhere.
Then, a few weeks ago, another friend introduced me to a new song that will forever be known as the ‘BEST SONG EVER’. I have since forwarded it to all of my best girls.
“I'm Gonna Show you Crazy” by Bebe Rexha is the car Karaoke anthem we didn’t know we needed. I belt that shit out, as loud as possible, at least once a day. It is cathartic to the next level. The guy next to me in his jacked-up truck has never been more afraid of a blonde mom in a minivan.
Because those lyrics ARE MY LIFE.
I’ve said this before, and a few years later I am again reminded that the very best people I have met are the ones just like me- who struggle with anxiety and depression and get up everyday and not let it matter. Because we are strong, busy women who are making shit happen -with anxiety, perfectionism, overthinking, as a side order.
I have never had a moment with a woman I am falling in best-friendship with (remember, I subscribe to Mindy Kaling’s idea that best friend is a level, not a person) that didn’t center around my awe of her, coupled with her telling me she was also neurosis-fueled. I laugh and sigh as I think, “ah yes. I have found another one for my tribe of gorgeous humans whose talent for overthinking and overachieving could propel another galaxy into orbit.”
And I think that’s what confuses people. And us. We feel broken, and struck with this genetic or chemical abnormality that makes the days- and the nights- sometimes feel like an endless fire in your brain.
But looking at us, you’d have no idea.
So what if, Bebe Rexha, you were right? What if I am a little bit crazy but SO WHAT?
What if we aren’t strong IN SPITE of this, what if we were strong BECAUSE of it?
I have spent so much time in my life wishing anxiety away that it’s time I accepted it. Can I alter my idea of normal and not-normal? For someone who lives in the gray, why am I boiling myself down to either black or white? (Besides ivory is a much more flattering color for me anyway.)
What if it’s not something I am supposed to struggle with, what if that’s what makes me who I am?
What if it’s what makes me laugh so hard at a joke that I have to sit down mid-hike (Fine. It wasn’t a hike it was just me walking up a hill after a few beer) to regain control of myself?
What if it’s what makes me love telling jokes, and what makes me love to laugh?
It’s probably the same reason I love so hard and am fiercely loyal to the people I get close to.
It’s certainly what makes me wear my emotions on my sleeve. (Although I’m trying to work on the disgusted look on my face I get when people are dumb. That should probably go.)
It’s definitely why I have the most amazing group of people in my life, including a husband that tells me he loves me most for my brain. It can’t be that messed up then can it? My husband is a total babe.
So, for the other women out there reading this that need a moment to cleanse all the circus rings from your mind for a bit, do yourself a favor and try to rethink the way you think.. about yourself.
All that stuff you wish you weren’t, what if you flipped it upside down and thought about how it makes you YOU?
Because if I could, I would have you in my car with my other girls, music CRANKED UP, singing along, on our way to a night out of laughing so hard we legit DO look batshit crazy.
And of course, here is the link to the video!